An enormous sheep is cattily eyeing me from her perch on our kitchen island.
Nevermind the sheep...just the idea of a "kitchen island" and me is a bit of a shock.
As is the 500 year old brothel that I am rebuilding from a ruinous state with my French lover here in the south of France. All of which would suggest that I am rich and an adult.
Yet 40 years have not yet conferred any feeling of adulthood upon me. Nor has it brought in the duckets. What it has given me is years of various lovers, an ex-husband, and enough knowledge to leave me feeling that I know nothing.
Working on making a person.
Laying aside 2 miscarriages and 3 abortions.
Wishing for a place in this French thicket
where I could throw down to a little XClan.
The soul cleansing left me feeling something like neutral.
Now when we argue I feel distant. But fixed to point making.
And sorrowful for the suffering of the heat that beats in my darling.
Am I proud of my past and it's suffering?
Am I clinging to that flag as it whips in the fat breathed air?
If I let go of the occasional jealousy and the idea that I cannot trust
will there be anything left of me?
If it is I who start the chess game, without no initial reaction
to someone else' s pawn, will I win and do I care to win...
since I don't care if I lose?