Doin' It Dino Stylie
Back when I was a pre-married white lady,
my lovely pre-husband and I had imaginary
animals. They sprung, fully flourished,
from my head when we were on a road
trip in Arizona. Why we were on a road
trip in one of the "Awful American States,"
is simply due to his living in Flagstaff, one
of the less horrible places in Arizona.
I was visiting. We were carrying on a long-
distance relay and he was trying to show me
the splendors of a state which is so hot that
the main city has a Friggin' Sprinkler System
for the sidewalks. Also. There is their
voting record. Also. John McCain. Also...
It started with a huge model of a dinosaur that had clearly
stumbled its way into the desert and seemed alone and, yes, sad.
Of course I felt its pain and promptly let forth with a sound
impersonation of what was to become the vocal expression of:
Baby Dino (who looks a little somethin' like this:)
Baby Dino was a zesty little fellah, prideful, shy, affectionate,
a smidge demanding, and a great teller of jokes which, unfortunately,
neither of us could understand. He was also a pretty poor driver,
seeing that he kept his eyes closed a great deal of the time. After
all, he was only a BaaaBeee.
Soon frustrated with his human help-mates, he went out a-searchin'
for a new companion...and after a full-on traipse through cavern,
mountain ranger outpost, and sea bed...he came home with:
(extraordinarily, this picture swiped from the web is almost exactly what Sea Monster looked like!)
Sea Monster was a charming gentleman, always happy to hold forth
on numerous subjects with vigor and enthusiasm. With a little
speech therapy, he was able to find a way to turn his vocal stylings
into comprehensible utterances. I would often find Sea Monster
quietly and patiently waiting for me to open my eyes in the morning.
"Hi Sea Monster!" "Hewwooo ShuShu!!"
Of all the animals, he was, by far, the most hilarious.
So hilarious that we were thrilled when he one day brought home:
BABY SEA MONSTER;
I joke I joke!!!!!
Baby Sea wasn't Fergie!!!! God!!! Truth be told.
And nor did he pee all over himself while on stage.
(Ok that was mean). However. He was quite the baby.
NEVER opening his eyes. Constantly in a state of feeble
waving of claws coupled with whispery efforts to talk.
To break it down: Baby Sea would grab onto anything
he could and suckle. And no not in a sexy way. He would
grab your nose, your hair, your elbow. Whatever he could
to take care of his Baby Sea needs.
Nothing. Nothing is cuter. Than Baby Sea.
But it was the greatest triumph of all when into the picture bounced:
To see the beauty of Niffler, you must do the following:
Hold your hand up: palm toward you.
Lower your two center fingers down to touch your thumb.
Keep the outside fingers up and away from the two center fingers.
Turn the hand sideways
COMPLETE WITH OPENABLE
AND CLOSABLE MOUTH---
AND TWO ADORABLE EARS!!!!
Niffler went on to mate with Niffletta...who while being
a bit more coy, is just as boisterous and chatty...steals just
as many things...and frequently participates in the age-old
Niffler ritual of : The Dance Of Joy.
At this point I will answer the obvious:
The Animals were never in the room during sex.
(we would never DREAM of exposing such innocents!)
Once the Family was developed there was no turning
asunder. Our mountain of friends were treated to numerous
spectacles of Sea Monster harrassing Baby Dino who was
then comforted by Niffletta while Niffler tried to steal
I am not making this up.
My husband and I introduced the Imaginary Animals
to anyone who would listen. People either found them
completely bizarre. Or completely hilarious.
They even had a place in our wedding
(you know, the one where I walked down the aisle
to the theme song from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly").
"I promise to care for all our Imaginary Animals
and send them to good and diverse public schools, exposing
them to Chopin, Bergman, Monk and X Clan"
At this point you may be thinking I'm just a little fucking nuts.
Or. That this is an April Fools Joke.
(I just noticed that it is April 1. I swear to you.
This is the truth. On the head of my most exquisite cat.)
But, Dear Reader, you, too, could love the Imaginary Animals.
They were delightful. They were imaginative and independent.
And they were great soothers of the soul when we were sad.
Who would turn from a sweet little Baby Dino nuzzling up
against her shoulder when she received yet another rejection
from a journal? Who could resist Sea Monster showing his
sensitive side and wiping away little tears after a particularly
heart wrenching episode of Battlestar Galactica??
but then we got divorced.
In the agreement (verbal, we had no assets)
I gave him Chicago, Baby Dino, Sea Monster, Baby Sea,
and, yes, and, Niffler.
I took France.
And found Niffletta hiding in my luggage.
The French adore Niffletta.
She charms in all cultures since she is completely multi-lingual.
Even My Beloved is starting to laugh...despite his
macho southern meat-eating tendencies.
i do weep for the loss of the animals.