How Me and The Universe are Boyz

You're about to leave for work.

Suddenly, your butt itches, sparking
off a memory of a high school dance
and how people laughed at your awesome
sparkly purple heels which, in turn, makes
you decide to change your shoes.

You arrive at the corner coffee shop
6 minutes later than usual.

All the regulars are there, but there
is a new person in line.  She is entrancing.

You see her and you Know her.
She is one of your Soulmates.

She just happened to drop in this
coffee shop because her car has
broken down on her way to work.

You do like a match
and strike up a conversation.
You fall in love with each other.

"For want of a horse...."
Thanks to the itch of the buttocks...

That.
Is basically my idea of how me
and The Universe are Hot Buds.

Shit like this has happened to me,
and to you, all our lives.  Of course.

If I had not, for example, haphazardly
slept with a distant acquaintance
for no reason known to myself,
I would not have walked into
his living room the next morning
to find one of my Soulmates
sitting on his couch...and I would
not have moved to Chicago...and
I would not have had the soul-freezing
heartache that pushed me into
being a writer...and I would not
have ended up in France...and I would
not have met my Beloved...and...and...and...

Just imagine: My Life Without My Cat!!!!!
And all because of an uncalled for Booty Call!!!

So it was no surprise to me
when I discovered that Bernard Werber's book:
The Encyclopedia of Relative and Absolute Knowledge

has not been translated into English.

Ok. I lie.

I was surprised. 

Beloved and I ate dinner at The Neighbor's

(who was testing out his new restaurant recipes

on us again) and the book was right on his kitchen 

table.  The Neighbor is not a great reader, so 

this is not a usual happening.  

The book is a whimsical, insightful and fascinating

exploration of a number of topics ranging from

"What do dolphins dream about" to "How to tell

if an egg is hard-boiled or raw."

It led to a multi-facted conversation which

ended with a discussion of what it means that

The Neighbor and I don't like it when people

see us poop...but Beloved, who is much more

uptight than the two of us, is just fine with it.

(Pooping: most vulnerable of everyday human

moments: us at our most animal and uncontrolled:

etc, etc, etc---GOOD TIMES!!!)

I woke up this morning and searched the internet

for the English translation.  I mean, Werber wrote

"The Ants" which is a pretty famous book.  And

while the Encylopedia is well read in Russia, 

the English population has yet to get its paws

upon it.

So I am writing to Werber to tell him that 

it is a I who am destined to write 

the translation of his book.

Here is the first excerpt:

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Birthday Cakes

The blowing out of candles on the occasion

of each birthday is one of the most revealing

rituals of human kind.  

It is through this ritual that man recalls

that he can create fire, and then extinguish

it with his breath.

This control of fire is one of the rites of passages

that bestows upon a baby the state of responsibility.

That the very elderly no longer possess the breath

necessary to snuff out the candles, however,

illustrates their social exclusion from the 

physically active human world.

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This is how it works.
You keep your eyes open.
You jump on that shit.

The End.

I hope you all have many moments of "enjoyment" today.