I Want To Be Positive.

 I do.  Like This Guy.

But, Dear Reader, after a great two rounds
of sex yesterday...followed by some cramping
and a touch of bleeding that sent me clawing
through the wisdom of the internet gawds...

I received this news:

My brother's wife is pregnant and due
the Same Week as I Am.

------long-----------silence--------

Know This:
I am the Friend who is happy for all of my
friend's successes.  ALL of my very close
friends are very successful published authors,
richly practising psychiatrists, tenured professors,
Hollywood producers and actors, architects &
world-renown visual artists and musicians.

All of them, except the two who do not wish
it so, have the children they desire.

I am honestly and purely thrilled for them with each
success.  A book prize?  You Rock!!!!!  You're
in the Whitney BiAnnual???  I am So Lucky
to know you!!!  You won that Golden Globe??
You look hot in your last commercial!!!!
A great review in the New York Times??
Let me email the article to everyone else!!


I don't know why this is how it is, but it is.
My friends are amazing.
I don't know why they have chosen me.
But they have.


And, except for one of them, I think they are
amazing parents and am glad they are populating
the world with their influence and offspring.


------so------


You'd think I'd be thrilled and excited that my very,
very nice, if a bit bland and brainwashed sister-in-law
is due to have a baby in September.  Just like me.:
"O how neat...neat neat neat....we can compare
leaking breasts while having sex--stories, etc"


But no.


I am furious and horrified.


Let me elaborate:


My brother came out to our family as a
hard-core born again Christian 20 years ago.


The family suffered through years and years
and years of conversion attempts.  We suffered
through his complete lack of humor.  Someone
who was once a hilarious punk, now only listened
to sad-ass Christian rock and got up at 5am every
single day to pray.  We suffered through his
judgement--my mother was a sinner for divorcing
my horrible father, etc.  After my first miscarriage
I heard not one single peep of condolence from him.
Neither after my second.


He has grown.  He is funnier.  He listens to
Johnny Cash.  He has stopped with the God Squad
routine around us.  I don't want to kill him after
10 minutes.

And.
He congratulated me over my (unmarried!) pregnancy.


BUT HE ALREADY HAS 3 FRIGGIN' KIDS!!!!!!!


THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!


ONE TWO THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FOR GOD'S SAKE SHE JUST HAD A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Not only do I see this as a complete affront to the
environment.  Not only do I see this as a complete spit
in the face of all the children who need homes.  Not only
do I wonder how in the goddam hell he is going to support
FOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR KIIIIIIIIDDDDDDSSS!!!!!


But WHY DEAR GAWD IS SHE
DUE THE SAME MONTH AS ME!!!!!




all I'm sayin'
is this:


if i miscarry.


i will cry.


a lot.


and if she then has a baby.


on my due date.


i do not know what i will do.




You know, we wake up in the morning
and we do not know what the hell
is going to happen to us.


kiss the ones you love.
congratulate the ones who have good luck
which, most of the time, comes from hard work.

And some of the time?  Fertility and Youth.