3/13/2010

Miscarriage & How I Would Like To Be My Cat

Should it ever become possible.

For those of you whom have never set
your little eyes upon her:


Note the languidity.
The touchableness.
The fluid music of her fur.

But I am not my cat.
I am me.

And while many tremendous, fantastical,
and bizarre things have happened in my life
by way of dropping into my little lap...also, too,
things have been terrifically hard through
long periods.

and just this once, I am asking the universe,
if I may do something "normal" that many
"normal" people seem to be able to do.

Something that I was apparently put on
this planet to do, according to various
groups of "theorists." 

Something that is done both in and out
of the movies with not a single second thought.

I would just like for once to be normal
and, like so many others, make a person.

Just One Normal Thing.
I want to be normal Just Once.

And I really mean it this time.

Not like the times when we moved from
country to country and city to city
and I wanted so badly to fit in.
And failed.

Not like the times when I went
to other people's homes and thought
"Holy Ass Cap, THIS is how normal
people live??  Being so Nice to each
other, with no alcohol, and no signs
that anyone is sexually abusing anyone
else??"

Not like Wednesday, when I drove
to Bordeaux to have an interview with
a "real and normal" job with "real and normal"
hours.

No.  I know I will never be that girl.

But just This One Thing.

This One Normal Thing.

This one Biologically Programmed Thing.

Just let me fit in this Once.


Sigh.
On to the Specialists.

4 comments:

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I sent you an email. I hope it's helpful.

A.G. said...

Wow, legit.

angela said...

Your life seems hard and amazing and beautiful. Thank you for writing about it.

Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist said...

It's not fair. And I feel for you. I hope that you get what you want. And I hope you can find some peace about it all.